Philophobia

Hearing someone say that they’re scared of heights, or of confined spaces is common place enough. When you hear someone say that they’re phobic about dinner parties or French people, you raise an eyebrow. Then again, what’s the big deal? – all you need to do is decline invitations and stay away from the French! But when you hear about someone having a fear of love, you raise both your eyebrows, widen your mouth, and stop whatever you’re doing. How can someone be afraid of love? Is that even a thing?A big thing? What is Philophobia after all, and how does one live with it?

Philophobia has been derived from Greek word “filos” meaning loving or beloved. A philophobic person is extremely conscious to form any sort of loving attachment with anyone, and avoids any bonding. A philophobic person tries all possible ways to avoid forming any emotional attachment even if he/she has feelings within. This can be a serious problem when the phobia leads them to lead an isolated life.

A common cause for philophobia is past trauma, especially from broken relationships. This can be due to two reasons – trauma from the person’s own experience, or from witnessing someone else’s disastrous relationship, possibly a family member’s or a friend. A person who has given everything to a relationship only to have their heart broken may have very deep scars, making it difficult for them to move on. Growing up in a home where parents are continually hostile to each other can also cause a person to mistrust relationships in general.

Another cause for philophobia is an existing mental condition, like depression. Where in people with very low self-esteem may think of themselves as unworthy or undeserving of another person’s love, and this can keep them away from fully forming a relationship, even with people they actually like.

People in this world long for someone to shower them with all the affection and love they could have ever imagined. Love is like a beautiful gift everyone wishes for. As much as falling in love is appealing, it can be intimidating for others. Such type of unreasonable fear and anxiety that one would fall in love is known as Philophobia.

Philophobia and a relationship to someone

An extreme worry stems from believing that I never truly loved and appreciated that person and will never be able to. Despite of what we did together, what I mean is the bondings, the adventures we’ve embarked on together, and how comfortable I am just being around him. Philophobia makes me think about this," Don’t love him enough and he deserves someone who can do better".

Well, it would be one thing if the philophobia feelings were coupled with knowing I should leave, but the thought of not being with him hurts me more than it never did with anyone else. 

Am I just scared of being in a relationship? And the better the relationship gets, the stronger the philophobia? Am I getting point here?

I am aware that the entire philophobia problem is within myself, but I don’t know what needs to happen in order for me to truly appreciate the situation that I have made for myself. This concerns me a lot because I don’t want to miss out on this part of my life with him and I also know that I would horribly regret leaving the person who has been the best thing for me I ever had.

He has given me a desire to do my best that no one else ever has and I owe him the same effort. I don’t want to assume this wasn’t meant to be, or that the stars weren’t in alignment for this to work because I really feel like when you make the choice to be with someone, that relationship can be stronger than any relationship based out of infatuation.

I used to have a huge ego, and nothing I did could live up to it. I could talk for hours about how open and accepting I was of all kinds of things, but when it came to the action of it, I was the exact person I preached against.

The better the relationship, the worse the philophobia!

It seems that the more I have avoided being that person, and focusing my energy on actually doing well rather than pretending that I have good intentions, the more I have felt like I have philophobia. It’s backward and I wish that realization itself was all I needed to snap out of it.

I am just so confused and I don’t want to hurt anyone else in the process of learning how to resolve the this so I can be normal. I have even worried that if I ever let myself feel okay that there is some horrible karmic punishment waiting for me for not feeling bad about my past actions towards them.

Still, I’m aware that worrying isn’t going to change anything at all, never! I just feel like I have a really backward, flawed perception of life, and really want to be able to appreciate my situation as much as the next person. I want to allow myself to be affected by others and truly feel the love that is given to me, and that I attempt to give to others.

 I’m a living my passion (music) and have the opportunity to perform regularly. It’s a blast, really. So much in my life is going well,I guess and I  should feel more grateful, but I spend my time obsessed with my problems.Those not so so problems.

So, in terms of philophobia, I have a wonderfull supportive someone who is there for me in any way I need and makes me want to build myself up to be a better person every day. So it seems that I should feel just fine and not have a single doubt or worry about my life, especially not philophobia.

Dealing with philophobia

As mentioned earlier, philophobia is not your average fear of snakes or heights, and can be very hard for another person to understand. Even the person suffering from philophobia may not be able to fully comprehend why they are feeling this way, and why they can’t seem to make any relationship work while everyone around them are happily falling in love, getting married, and having families. This inability to grasp their situation can make them feel even worse about themselves, and lower their self-esteem further.

As for a person in love with a philophobic –You better get ready, you have your work cut out for you! Loving a person who fears love can be incredibly challenging, but this is a true test of whether your love is unconditional. As with any other condition, gathering as much information as you can about the phobia is imperative to be able to understand what your loved one is going through – they’re probably feeling more guilty and helpless than you are. First, ask yourself if you are ready for the challenge at hand and if you’re willing to wait for an undefined period of time to actually have a proper relationship with this person. If you are, then go ahead and give them all the support you can, and encourage them to take small but consistent steps in seeking proper treatment.

Life is unpredictable, love makes it worthwhile – all kinds of love. Falling in love is meant to be a beautiful experience, one that makes the harsh world seem a much better place for us. Not being able to experience this fully can leave a person feeling incomplete and unfulfilled. With a loving partner, family and friends, it is possible to overcome philophobia, slowly but surely, and truly begin to enjoy the wonders of a loving relationship. And when you support your philophobic partner to overcome their fear, you are only laying the foundation for a beautiful relationship in the future. As Lao Tzu said, “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”